The Road to Tryouts

An annual rite of cheerleading is the tryout process. During a 2 to 3 week period, girls (and boys) who would like to become cheerleaders for the next school year pick up a tryout packet, follow the instructions therein, show up for practices to learn the routines, then try out in front of a panel of judges. Sounds simple, right?
The first clue that this year's tryouts would not go smoothly, came shortly after the packets were made available. You see, according to our constitution, the varsity squad was supposed to be composed of 12 cheerleaders. However, we had more than 12 returning girls who would be trying out. The moms of the talented cheerleaders, probably no more than 4 of them, thought nothing of it. But the ECMs who realize on some deeply repressed level that their daughters are graceless, awkward, and, in fact, cheerless, became enraged! An ECM's life would be completely meaningless if her daughter ceased to be a cheerleader!
Emails began burning up the internet at a pace never before witnessed by mankind! How could this criminally unfair injustice be allowed? ECMs were seen around town foaming at the mouth, hair sticking out wildly, and double chins quivering! There were meetings with the principal and even the superintendent of schools.
Finally, on a day when the Sponsor was, coincidentally, home with a vomit-inducing migraine, the frenzy reached a peak of bellowing and shrieking, and the decision was handed down from on high that the squad would consist of 16 varsity members.
Just to be sure that there was no way one of them could possibly lose, the ECM offspring began spreading two messages: (1) It will be a waste of time for anyone else to try out because all spots are reserved for current cheerleaders. (2) If you attempt to try out, you will have no friends, your house and car will be vandalized, and all your hair will fall out. Of course these messages were conveyed in only the most loving way and as a public service because, after all, cheerleaders always selflessly work for the good of the school.
You might be thinking that the ruling was made and that was the end of it. In reality, the fun had just begun......

Evil Cheer Moms and Control Issues

In the beginning, an Evil Cheer Mom is all sweetness and cooperation. Her only desire is to be the sponsor's bestest most humble, tireless, self sacrificing little supporter. She also helpfully sits beside the sponsor at games and informs her of the shortcomings and transgressions of other cheerleaders and all their ancestors. In truth, all this effort is made in hopes of attaining two goals: (1) make the sponsor love the ECM's daughter above all other cheerleaders and (2) make the sponsor agree to the ECM's most outrageous demands.
These demands start out small. For example, "When the girls drew names for gift giving at the banquet, some of our daughters drew the names of girls we don't like. Or maybe we don't like their moms. Anyway, we're ordering you to order the girls to buy gifts for anyone they want and if some girls don't get anything, oh well! We'll be doing them (and their moms) a favor by pointing out that no one likes them, so maybe they won't try out next year and girls we like will make the team."
Generally, ECM's like any girl who is uglier and has less talent than their daughters. This selection criteria has led to entire teams of incredibly homely girls who cannot even walk out onto the field in straight lines.
As I said, these demands start out small but soon escalate into something like, "We order you to give up all your free time to spend with our daughters at parades, pie eating contests, monster truck rallies and any where else I can show off that, even though I was a total loser in high school, my daughter is a cheerleader." They seriously cannot believe that their wonderful sponsor has a family and social life that doesn't involve cheerleading. The sponsor having an existence separate from them is beyond their powers of comprehension!
However, once Wonderful New Sponsor declines one of these invitations to give up her life, all Hell breaks loose and she begins the transition to Worst Sponsor Ever......

A Brief History

I have been a high school cheerleader sponsor for several years and it has been a harrowing expreience fraught with peril. In this blog I will attempt to share the wisdom and experience I have gained before I slip away into madness.

The term "evil cheer mom" comes from the Latin, cheer momus evilus which means "wacked out midddle aged female with no significant life of her own". Note: there are some aberrations wherin the ECM is male.

How can you tell if you have stumbled into the presence of an ECM? Some characteristics include but are not limited to:

*Believes that cheerleaders are "school leaders" or "role models"

*Defines "fair" as anything that gives her daughter an unfair advantage

*Does cheer motions in the stands at football and basketball games

*Wears school themed merchandise everywhere she goes

*Smiles at the other moms

*Calls her daughter's team members sluts

*Blames her daughter's bad grades, lack of talent, even acne, on the other girls, the

other moms, or the sponsor

At this point I do need to clarify that not all cheerleader moms are ECM's. There are many normal moms or those who only occasionally slip into a temporary ECM state. And, for the most part, the girls are like any other high school girls. If only they were orphans.

Now that you know what an ECM is, I'll be posting true stories of this fascinating yet repugnant species. I'd love to continue now but, even though I'm on spring break, I have several ECM phone calls to return. You see, we just had tryouts and not everyone made the team......